


Couldn’t hurt you if I wanted to (I’ve decided on you)

by justhockey



Series: Sing To Me Instead [10]
Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heartbreak, Lack of Communication, Like so much angst, M/M, Misunderstandings, No actual cheating!!, Suspected Infidelity, They love each other so much, They’re both bad at feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-29 09:08:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19016806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justhockey/pseuds/justhockey
Summary: A sob rises and he can’t hold it back any longer. He’s spent weeks trying so hard not to panic, to let his thoughts gothere. But he should have known. Or maybe he did and he just didn’t want to believe it. But there’s no ignoring it now, not when it’s staring him directly in the face.Willy is cheating.The agony of the realisation brings Zach to his knees.





	Couldn’t hurt you if I wanted to (I’ve decided on you)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from _Hurt Me Once_ by Ben Platt.

Things are, like. Weird. 

Okay, maybe _weird_ isn’t exactly the right word, but Zach isn’t entirely sure what is. So. It’ll have to do. It’s just, Willy is being _off_. And yeah, Willy is always kinda odd but, this just feels different somehow, like maybe it’s something more this time. Something serious. And Zach doesn’t want to worry himself or turn it into something more than it is, but seriously, he’s starting to get concerned. 

It’s the beginning of September and training camp is just a couple weeks away so everyone is working on themselves, trying to make sure they’re at the top of their game for when the season starts. So like, sometimes you get stuck in your own head, and Zach gets that, he does. But Willy has _never_ been like that, even before they got together. So yeah. He’s a little worried. 

It’s just, he’s being so _distant_. And anyone who knows even the tiniest thing about Willy knows that that never happens. Like, he’s annoying and clingy and an attention seeker (in the best way possible), so distant just isn’t a thing he does. And especially not with Zach, who he’s been basically attached to since they started dating. 

So yeah, okay. Zach is kind of terrified. Because Willy is the love of his life and it slowly feels like he’s losing him. 

Because he’s always on his phone, which in itself wouldn’t be that weird, but now he has a passcode on it, which he never did before. And Zach didn’t _mean_ to find that out, he wasn’t snooping, but they always go on each other’s phones so it wasn’t supposed to be a big deal. Until it was. 

And okay, going to the gym is also completely normal. They’re professional athletes for god’s sake. But Willy’s started saying he’s gonna go to the gym, and then coming back home like he hasn’t even worked out. Not a trace of sweat, or wet hair to indicate a shower. Nothing. Which is..scary. 

But Zach doesn’t wanna come off as paranoid and push Willy away even further. Maybe he’s even imagining it all. He doubts it, but still. Their team has three couples on it, so stranger things have definitely happened. 

So he keeps quiet, soaks up every bit of love and affection that Willy offers him, and tears himself up over every little thing that makes him feel like Willy is moving further out of reach. 

*

So Zach hopes it’s gonna get better. 

Except it doesn’t, and honestly? If anything it gets worse. Because Willy just seems _more_ distant, more on edge and nervous than Zach has ever seen him before. The whole “trying not to worry” thing has completely gone out the window by now, and Zach just wants things to go back to the way they were just a month or so ago. He doesn’t even know why it _changed._

He knows he has a habit of jumping to conclusions and assuming the worst possible situation, he’s kind of neurotic like that. But he’s also self aware enough to know that sometimes he just needs someone to set him on the right path. 

So that’s why he finds himself on the doorstep of Mo and Gards’ apartment, chewing on his lip as he raises his hand to knock on the door. Because they were always the team parents, and even more so now they’re literally a couple. And it also helps now that Jake has re-signed and Morgan has been given the C, because he’s figured out how to help the guys balance their personal and professional lives, so they overlap but don’t interfere with each other. It’s exactly what Zach needs. 

“Hey bud, what’s up?” Mo asks as Zach steps into his apartment. 

“So I think something is going on, but I’m probably overreacting, so I need you to tell me to chill out,” Zach says, “or like, tell me that you agree with me. Either works.”

Jake looks away from the tv to Zach, and then glances at Morgan, and then shuffles over so Zach can sit next to him on the couch. He doesn’t want to sit really, but pacing just makes things feel worse, so he drops down and waits for for someone to say something. 

“Okay, what’s going on bro?” Morgan asks as he mutes whatever show is playing in the background. 

“I don’t _know_ , that’s the problem,” Zach groans, “I don’t even know if there _is_ something going on.”

He catches Morgan looking at Jake with raised eyebrows, and he sighs again and pushes his hands through his hair. He’s fully aware that it kind of looks like he’s actually losing the fucking plot. And maybe he is. But he just doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do. He’s _certain_ he’s not imagining this. 

“Okay, start from the beginning?” Jake asks. 

“Willy,” is all Zach manages to say before he feels himself start to get worked up. 

He misses the look of concern that Mo and Gards share, he’s too busy rubbing furiously at his eyes to stop any tears from falling. Because _fuck_. The thought of saying it out loud makes it more real. And either they’re gonna agree that’s something’s off, or they’re not, and Zach doesn’t know which would be worse at this point. 

“Fuck, Zach, have you broken up?”

“Fuck don’t fucking say that, Rielly, Jesus,” Zach practically hisses, trying to glare at him but failing because of the prickling sensation behind his eyes. 

Morgan holds his hand up in surrender, “Alright bud I’m sorry, but what the fuck is going on?”

“He’s been distant,” Zach begins, “like weirdly distant. Never wants to spend time with me, which, like, that never happens right? And he’s put a passcode on his phone,”

“Do you know what it is?” Jake asks. 

Zach rolls his eyes, “I mean _yeah_ , it’s Willy, he always uses the date he got drafted. But he didn’t _tell_ me, so he obviously doesn’t want me to know. And he keeps saying he’s going to the gym but not actually going? And like, I don’t wanna overreact, but I’m freaking the fuck out,” Zach confesses, playing with the skin around his thumb so he doesn’t have to look either of them in the eye. 

There’s a few moments of silence, where Zach feels sick to his stomach waiting for one of them to say something. If they agree he’s being weird then that really means something is wrong, but if they don’t? It means Zach is losing his fucking mind, or some shit. And neither are really a great option if he’s honest, he just doesn’t know which is worse. 

Morgan shifts in his seat as if he’s about to speak, and suddenly Zach just isn’t ready to hear it. 

“I really haven’t noticed anything, Zach,” Morgan says. 

“Yeah, me either bud. You know what everyone gets like when we’re getting ready for camp,” Jake offers up, along with a solid pat on his shoulder. 

Zach lets out a breath, feeling half relieved and half worse than he did before. 

“I think you’re just stressed about everything, especially with coming back after your surgery. You’re probably just reading into things so much that you’re seeing things that aren’t there? Willy loves you,” Morgan tells him. 

He wishes that made him feel better. 

“Yeah, yeah you’re right,” he says, standing up and forcing out a laugh, “I’m just overthinking.”

Morgan smiles and stands up too, clapping him on the back. He looks like he believes Zach, which was the goal. He doesn’t need his captain worrying about his relationship drama right before the start of the season. So he thanks them for listening to him bitch about his non-existent problems and leaves them to play video games in their adorable domestic bliss. 

He tries to convince himself they’re right on the drive home, that he’s just worried about camp after his surgery and everything, and that his brain is just coming up with other things to worry about as compensation. 

Except. Willy is already home when Zach gets back. And he’s on the phone. 

He clearly doesn’t hear Zach come in, so instead of announcing his entrance like he usually would, Zach stays quiet. He knows, he fucking _knows_ he shouldn’t listen in on his boyfriends conversations. There are a million reasons why that’s a bad idea, but he just can’t help himself. So he stands in the hallway silently, listening to Will talk in the living room. 

“Are you sure?”

Silence. 

“Yeah, okay.”

Willy laughs. 

“He can’t find out.”

Zach’s heart drops to his knees. It’s like the wind has been knocked out of him, like he’s choking, like he’s just got a concussion and he’s all disoriented. 

It fucking _hurts_. 

Because whatever it is - and Zach refuses to think in more detail about that - Willy is keeping it from Zach, and that just isn’t something they do. Not when they were friends, and certainly not now they’re boyfriends. 

He wants to cry or yell or scream. But he doesn’t. Or he can’t. He’s not sure which. All he knows is that Willy is slowly slipping away from him, and he can’t let that happen. He’s the best part of Zach’s life, even more so than hockey. They changed the whole game together, for god’s sake. He’s not willing to lose him. 

So he takes a deep breath, plasters on a smile, and calls out, “Honey, I’m home!”

He walks into the living room and Willy is stretched out along the length of the couch, smiling at him softly, the “god you’re such a dork” look he sometimes gives Zach. It makes his chest constrict, but he keeps smiling anyway, and leans over to press a quick kiss to Willy’s lips. 

“Where have you been?” Willy asks as he looks back down at his phone. 

“Just went over to Mo and Jake’s for a bit,” Zach says honestly, “how was the gym?”

He knows he hasn’t been. Willy has a terrible habit of dumping his clothes in front of the washer instead of actually putting them inside, but they’re nowhere to be found. He’d lied to Zach. 

“Yeah it was good,” Willy replies. 

“Maybe we could go together some time before camp? We always train harder together,” Zach offers as he starts pulling out ingredients for dinner. 

“Yeah, that sounds good babe,” Willy says, but he sounds he distracted, unsure. 

Zach is fucking terrified. 

*

Zach rubs his hair with a towel as he sits on the bench in the locker room of the gym. It’s two days before camp and everyone has upped their workout schedule and actually started following their diet plan again. Zach is supposed to feel good after a workout like he’d just done, but instead he just feels sick. That’s kind of his default setting at the moment. 

It’s been just under a week since he overheard Willy’s phone call, and things haven’t improved. 

Willy kept somehow avoiding going to the gym with Zach, instead going on his own every chance he could get, although Zach was fairly certain that least half the time he wasn’t at the gym. He’d still been stuck to his phone too, and Zach had come so close to checking it one night while Willy slept, but he just couldn’t. Couldn’t betray Willy’s trust like that, even if he was doing the exact same or worse to Zach. 

He takes his time getting dressed, slow and methodical in order to waste a bit of time. He’s _never_ not wanted to go home to Willy before, but it’s just getting so hard. He knows Willy is lying to him, and he feels like he’s lying to Willy by not pointing out that he knows. But he’s so scared of what he’ll hear if he does bring it up. 

Because he’s tried to stop his mind going _there_ , but it’s hard not to think that’s what’s going on. And if he mentions it, if he asks, Willy might just turn around and be honest. Tell him there’s someone else, take his things, and go. And the thought of that has been enough to bring Zach to tears more than once since it all started, the thought of his Willy being with someone else behind his back, being with someone else _at all_. It’s too much. 

He turns the volume all the way up as he drives home, hoping the music will be so loud it stops him from being able to think. It kind of works. But he just feels numb instead. And no one else can see it either, Jake and Morgan hadn’t noticed anything different, so Zach half feels like he’s going fucking crazy. 

Maybe he is. 

It’s no surprise that Willy is talking on the phone again when Zach gets home. He doesn’t hide in the hallway or try and be quiet, he just walks straight through the living room and into their bedroom to dump all his gym gear. He doesn’t miss the way Willy laughs at something but barely even glances in Zach’s direction. 

“Alright I’ll be there soon,” he hears Willy say. 

“Where are you going?” Zach asks as he shoves his sweaty gym clothes in the washing machine. 

Willy looks up, startled, as if he wasn’t expecting Zach to ask. Or maybe he was hoping he wouldn’t. Fuck. 

“Oh I’m just going over to Aus and Mitch’s for a bit,” Willy says as he pulls on a jacket and picks his car keys up off the coffee table. 

“Oh okay, will you be back for dinner?” Zach asks, too exhausted to push. 

“We’ll probably just get takeout or something, so you eat whenever,” Willy says, then leans over the kitchen island to press a kiss to Zach’s cheek, “I’ll see you later.”

Zach doesn’t even get a chance to say goodbye before Willy is out the door. 

He feels his chest tighten and tears prickle in his eyes. He can’t remember the last time Willy hung out with Mitch and Auston without Zach. He also can’t remember the last time Willy told him he loved him. 

He doesn’t want to, but like. He honestly feels like he has no other choice. So he picks up his phone and calls Mitch. 

“Yo,” Mitch answers after barely three rings. 

“Hey,” Zach says, his voice croaking a little. He clears his throat. “Hey, is Willy hanging out with you guys?”

“Nope,” Mitch answers, “Auston is like, going getting some game day suits fitted.”

“Alright, thanks man,” Zach replies. 

He hangs up the phone immediately so Mitch doesn’t hear him break down. 

A sob rises and he can’t hold it back any longer. He’s spent weeks trying so hard not to panic, to let his thoughts go _there_. But he should have known. Or maybe he did and he just didn’t want to believe it. But there’s no ignoring it now, not when it’s staring him directly in the face.

Willy is cheating. 

The agony of the realisation brings Zach to his knees.

*

Zach is sitting on a stool at the kitchen island when Willy finally gets home. 

His heart is broken and aching, his head hurts from all the crying, and Willy is fucking _grinning_. 

He can’t do it anymore. He can’t pretend like nothing is wrong for the sake of appearances, or the team, or whatever the fuck he was doing. It’s gonna hurt, but sitting around and waiting for Willy to leave him is hurting even more. 

“Shit, you scared me,” Willy startles as he spots Zach. 

The easy smile on his face fades when he sees Zach, red eyed and heart broken. Zach stands up and Willy moves to step closer but he holds out a hand to stop him. 

“Who is he?” Zach asks, his voice unwavering even though it feels like he’s about to collapse. 

Willy’s face falls. 

“What?”

Zach shakes his head, tired of the lies and the deceit. 

“I know you weren’t with Auston and Mitch, so who is he?”

“Zach, what are you talking about?” Willy asks.

His bottom lip is starting to tremble and Zach has to look away. 

“You’ve barely touched me or talked to me in weeks. You’re always on your phone, that has a fucking _passcode_ now, by the way. You keep saying you’re going places but not actually going there. I’m not fucking _stupid_ , William,” Zach explains, his voice starting to rise. 

“No, Zach, no baby, it’s not,” Willy stumbles over his words, but Zach has had enough of listening to his lies and excuses. 

“Tell me who you’re cheating on me with.”

And there it is. 

It’s the first time he’s said it aloud, and it takes all the breath from his lungs. He feels tears well in his eyes and spill down his cheeks, but he doesn’t care enough to hide them now. Willy deserves to see how much he’s broken Zach. 

“Shit, _fuck_ ,” Willy cusses, “Zach, this is _not_ how I wanted to do this.”

Willy looks genuinely hurt, but Zach has to laugh. He doesn’t get to try and take the high road now, not when he’s already destroyed their relationship. 

“Just tell me,” Zach almost begs, his voice cracking. 

Willy looks as devastated as Zach feels, and he can’t figure out why. Clearly whoever he’s been seeing is making him happy, he has no reason to be upset. That thought alone is enough to bring a fresh flood of tears, and Zach flinches backwards when Willy tries to reach out for him. 

“ _Fuck_. Baby, baby I’m not _cheating_ on you,” and honestly, Willy sounds so sincere Zach risks a glance up at him. 

Another sob fall from his mouth when he sees the tear tracks on Willy’s face and what he’s holding tightly in his hand. 

“I’m _proposing_ ,” Willy explains, his voice breaking through the tears. 

“What?” Zach manages to gasp. 

Because, _what?_

Secret phone calls and sneaking away by himself and being distant are all textbook signs of cheating. Zach knows that, and he doesn’t want to keep being blind when it comes to Willy. But there’s a navy blue, velvet box being clutched in Willy’s hand and he’s crying almost as much as Zach is. 

“I just, I. Okay,” Willy takes a breath, “I wanted it to be special. I wanted to find the perfect ring and the perfect place, because you deserve that Zach. You deserve _everything_.”

Zach lets out a whimper, wants to reach for Willy and hold him tightly, but he can’t. Not yet. He still isn’t sure. 

“But I just didn’t know what to do,” Willy continues, “So I got Auston to help. The phone calls were either to Auston or to the jeweller. I kept saying I was going to the gym to either check on the rings or to find the right place to do this. You can check my phone, all my texts and calls, if you need to.” 

Zach shakes his head, he would never do that.

“Baby, I _love_ you, okay? More than anything.”

“You’ve been so distant,” Zach whispers. 

Because everything makes sense, really. Especially with Willy standing in front him, looking at him like that, like Zach is the best thing he’s ever seen in his life. But still. The distance doesn’t factor in. 

Willy sighs and scratches the back of his neck, a nervous habit of his. 

“It’s dumb. I guess I was just scared. That you were gonna say no, that it was too fast. And Auston, he was just, like, joking. But he kept talking about how he couldn’t believe I’d landed someone like you and how you’re way out of my league. I just. I was worried you’d realise you were too good for me and say no,” Willy trails off, his voice quiet and shy. 

And _that_ definitely makes sense. Because his beautiful, amazing Willy is still so painfully insecure sometimes that it breaks Zach’s heart. But it fits. Everything falls into place. And when Zach’s eyes meet Willy’s, and they’re so big and blue, and shining with unshed tears, he has no other choice. 

He rushes forwards and tugs Willy into him, wrapping his arms around him tighter than they’ve held each other in weeks. He feels Willy crumble, hears the sob he lets out as he winds his arms around Zach’s waist and buries his face into Zach’s neck. He can feel the tears dripping onto his collarbone but he doesn’t care, just holds Willy impossibly tighter, presses kisses into his hair and against his cheek. 

“I love you, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” Willy repeats over and over, clutching desperately at Zach’s waist. 

“I love you, it’s okay,” Zach assures him. 

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Zach says. 

He pulls back and Willy whimpers, but he doesn’t go far. He takes Willy’s face in his hands so he can look at him properly. 

“Willy it’s okay, we’re both to blame. I should have said something, I should have trusted you more. _I’m_ sorry,” Zach whispers, looking directly into Willy’s eyes. 

“Please don’t break up with me,” Willy murmurs. 

All Zach can do is kiss him, and kiss him, and kiss him. Until they’re breathless and smiling and happy. 

“Never. I’m never leaving you,” Zach promises, and means every word of it. 

Willy smiles so softly, so beautifully that Zach feels all the broken pieces of his heart stitch themselves back together. 

“So will you, then?” Willy asks, slowly slipping out of Zach’s grasp and bending down on one knee, “Will you marry me?”

The words are barely even out of Willy’s mouth before Zach is pulling him back up and pressing a spine-tingling kiss to his lips. 

“Yes. The answer will always be yes,” he whispers against Willy’s lips. 

*

They get married at the end of the season, with all their favourite people watching. 

The Stanley Cup is also in attendance.


End file.
